“i am special.”

i heard that before i began the dream. there was another message but i couldn’t hear it very clearly.

daylight. packing things into a car. eugene asks for a shirt, an older woman offers to get it out of the bag for him. i feel like she’s too nice and sense that there is something between these two. i run away from the car and into the neighborhood to hide. the car begins to drive down the street. i assume they’re looking for me but they turn right instead of going straight. i’m hiding behind these white iron bars of a staircase. i’m trying to hang on and looking at the spiders in the webs. i decide to run after the car to see where it goes. i assume time had passed and eugene had integrated himself into the community. i end up on a basketball court and realize that it’s as if nothing had happened, but i’m still cognizant of the situation even though time has passed.

i end up on a wagon ride for a friend. there are a handful of us on the wagon. there’s a gloom in the sky. we stop. as a team we decide to come up with a name for the wagon team. i don’t recall the names, but i get this energy from someone. some guy also wants to facilitate the discussion, so hesitantly i let him handle it. the discussion goes on for too long and it’s time to get back on track and in the race. feeling this energy i suggest we name the ride, Johnny Boy in memory of our friend that we are doing this ride for. i say, “i realize we are all exhausted from this and are trying to move on, but there is nothing wrong with dedicating and remember johnny for who he is to us.” i was responding to the frustrated look on this girl’s face. i walk into a saloon and see that people are given greeting cards with johnny’s face on it. there’s a variety of cards. i decide to pick up a bear shaped card with a love poem in it along with other cards with johnny’s face.  i realize we are all grieving johnny’s loss, a friend from high school, a band mate.

the guy who wanted to facilitate the conversation comes up to me and confesses that he’s interested in me. he was dressed like a paper/farm boy. i recall that he had shown interest prior to the facilitation.

i then stroll through the town and see a pair of shoes.  i rummage through the sale section looking for the ankle boots with silver rings. i don’t find them.

another message comes, but i don’t understand. then i wake up.

nighttime. asked by pnoy app to help promote their line at a house party. i decided to walk outside for a bit with rhona and allie. i point to the night sky, “look! do you see that?there!!” in the sky there was something circling around the. two different objects. then all of sudden this big human machine plows through the street.  it was a human crafted ufo. i could see the people in this machine.  allie and rhona get distracted by this. i look back up in the sky and see the horizontal white light from one object and then a blue light is emitted from the sky towards earth from another. i’m so in awe of this experience and realize that allie and rhona have been distracted by humans instead of seeing the truth.

i realize had planned this distraction to keep people from seeing the light in the sky.

then we go to the city to retrieve our car in the parking garage. we see an underground market. i’m rummage through accessories and find a bracelet of big fake flowers around it. then we leave.

it’s pourin’ through the pores, all the pain and sores. it’s time i let go and let my spirit just flow.  never needed anyone in my life, all i ever needed was my own two eyes. to see the truth of life through lies and ties i see the cords that keep us connected. but it’s hate that keeps us deflected. take a slice out your ego and let it soar like an eagle. put it up in the sky to be kept in the clouds,out your mind. cuz it’s love that’s gonna take the time.

doing a lot better. sickness is helping me realize that it’s time to release a lot of these pains that i have kept inside. you can only go so far until another triggers your past. we’re always gonna be confronting the basic issue someway or another. it’s a question of whether or not you’re ready to let go and move forward. yes it’s painful, yes pride gets in your way, but it’s time.  i’m tired of living my life as a facade. i know that the reason why i do what i do is because i still gotta work out my issues.

peace.

Dear Chair,

Please put this in my file as well. I know my lack of communication and deep seated pattern is inexcusable. I apologize and own up to my inappropriate behavior.

The reason why I struggle with writing my thesis is because I’m struggling with the emotional abuse that I endured this past year as a part of the very issue that I am writing about.

On February 14, 2009, I was deauthorized from the organization that shaped my interest in writing about the experiences of 2nd generation Filipina American activists.  After having built my identity to a social justice advocate and activist at that time, my emotional, physical, and intellectual investment in this organization was stripped away from me causing me to rethink my relationship to the movement and to my own partner. Paranoia, anxiety, fear came as a result of this experience silencing my voice. I no longer felt safe knowing that people were constantly reporting my every action, email, online post because i was a questionable suspect, potential trader.

Please also include the fact that in May 2009, I hit an all time bottom low. After three days of crying, cringing in fetal position, screaming, and contemplating suicide I realized I was mourning the loss of  my voice and drive to even continue pushing forward. During that time I realized and relived the abuse that I’ve experienced from the age of 16 to that day.  I was shocked to realize that the one organization that was aimed to empower me and address patriarchal, imperialist abuses was abusing me.  They equated my current relationship to a relationship with an abuser without even understanding that prior to meeting him I WAS just in an abusive relationship. This relationship and this organization were the two things that were sustaining my drive to continue moving forward in life.  Yet, when they were pitted against each other I was torn.  I did not know who I could trust and what activism, sisterhood,revolution, and love were really about.

I understand you want me to move forward, but this is still something I am going through still, right now.  This past weekend, I hit another all time low trying to confront my thesis topic and emotions and intellect attached to this situation.  I am trying, trust me I am trying.  The pain is too much to bear.  Sometimes avoidance helps me gain sanity and the will to continue living.

Maybe to you, it’s not too serious but this is what my life was about for the past 8 years.  Joining the organization was a defining moment in my activist career.  I was hoping to expand my work to the international field through this organization. I was looking forward to the educational discussions and conscious raising activities that would help shape my understanding of anti-imperialist transnational social justice feminist frameworks.

Now at this moment, I feel like I’m starting anew and no longer have an acute understanding of this topic or myself, but I am slowly confronting myself and situation. I am slowly finding my voice to continue writing this story as this is the underlying reason why I struggle with this project.

Trish

today got progressively better. i’m going through more spiritual growth. learned a couple of beats on the drum. it’s not as hard as i thought, but then again i’m on a slow beat. i finally spent time with my mom. we ate lomi together.

it’s okay. it’s not as bad as it can be.

i’m mad today. i don’t know why. i just am. i don’t know if it’s because i’m triggered by the close proximity of the situation or if i’m dealing with the debris of the past. it still upsets me when i look at the pictures and read exaggerated truths. both sides upset me, especially when each side continues to justify their actions and blame the other - as if their hands are clean.

it’s not the easiest situation to be in, especially when my partner is heavily involved.  i don’t know if it’s a situation that i want to continue putting myself through. although i understand that the situation is a lot bigger than this microcosm, it’s difficult trying to just deal with the wind of the storm. i’ve been pushed to define my boundaries and now it’s time to make them clear.

just upset today.

honestly, i’m kind of tired of it.  i’m tired of this social justice rhetoric that seems to serving a particular agenda that can be limiting. actually what feels like people’s personal expectations of others that sometimes lack self-reflection. i mean i’ve met folks along the way who expect everyone to at their level, but even then that person is not on someone else’s leveled expectations. (myself included)  when do we really have room to harness and nurture growth? i realize it comes in forms of struggle, arguments, tension, laughter, jokes, etc.  but really, one way or another we end up triggering someone else because that’s not their interpretation and practice in life.

social justice, what does that really mean?  this move to preserve freedom and choice has its consequences. folks will respond to what their passionate about… if it’s hip hop - they’ll protect it to the end of the day and apply their analysis. again, limited analysis.  if it’s punk, they’ll defend the lifestyle and dismiss the racism. rock, same thing dismiss the -isms because that’s something special to them.

if it’s a nation - protect it and analyze with the tools we’ve been given even if we don’t understand how it impacts each individual life.

i guess i’m on that middle path.

what i appreciate the most about life is the love. the humanity of it all, the undeniable connections that we continually share.  that is an undeniable power that moves the world to vibrate.  we do things to one another, consciously and unconsciously. we decide to participate in protests, organizing in many contexts, etc. everything is created for a purpose. if imperialists did not exist, anti-imperialists would not have a purpose. if capitalism didn’t exist, socialism wouldn’t have a purpose. get what i’m saying?    it is a beautiful thing to see what passion drives people to be who they are and do what they do.  that, i cannot take for granted.

as i stand on the sidelines listening and engaging in conversations & actions for social justice, i gotta remember who’s justice and agenda am i serving? for what purpose?

i remind myself that i’m merely here to learn, to be humble, to experience, to be.

i was in my first recognizable abusive relationship.

i was almost arrested because the person i was dating had a visible mark.  he was hovering over me, ready to punch me and i kicked up in self defense.  i would’ve had to go to jail, pay a fine, and pay to attend anger management while the other person would be free.

this is only one story from a year and a 7 month relationship.

i was in my second abusive relationship.  difficult to admit, but i initiated the abuse. i equated love with physical pain.  we both abused each other. i longed to feel loved and needed. i cried for myself and for us. the other than continued the abuse while i screamed.

i was in my third abusive relationship.  though unrecognizable, systematically i realized we were raised to abuse one another regardless of our politics.

looking back, we have always been in an abusive relationship where we equate pain with love, look for tragic romances, living in a system of exploitation, where we are not taught the value of our lives and the connection with others.  love does not equal pain.

we will see the beauty of life when we see the beauty of our lives.